• Benjamin Gear

Awkward 'Tweener Phase

Sooooo, I’m feeling some type of way about the caterpillar-to-butterfly situation. When chrysalis has run its course, what went in as a caterpillar comes out of its cocoon as a completed butterfly, ready to display its transformation to the world. If we opened a cocoon we’d see some sketchy ass mutation in process…”The ‘Tweener Phase.” As humans growing and evolving, we don’t get the luxury of a cocoon to hide in until we are show-ready...and that’s some ‘ol BS.

Authenticity is something I pray for and meditate on. I actively pursue self-awareness because the more I live in truth, the more honest the life around me becomes. Since I put the desire for growth and authenticity out there, Source then situates life to allow that desire to manifest. How is this happening for me? Through disconnect and that disconnect is indicating a change.

From 17 to 34 I was much more of a personality than a person. I used this personality to try and create the life I wanted and it worked...really frikin well. Because it was successful, I made this person(ality) my truth. Now, having stopped the drinking, I thought all I needed to do was change the intent behind my familiar actions. Turns out, that’s like cleaning and painting a car but keeping the botchy engine: making external changes with a faulty core still leaves you with a fucked up car.

I DID need to change the intent behind my familiar actions, but that's in order to adopt and implement new actions. I was only doing half of that part of the work. I don’t want to be the bravado-heavy, ego-driven, manipulator of all, but the actions that convey that desire are still pretty foreign to me. 17yrs of contrived and mastered behaviors shaped an identity and built a two-decade thick/wide/high structure enclosing my authentic self. Silver lining, I’ve been chipping away at that thing for almost 3 years and God/The Universe/TRUTH/Love (Source) always honors effort.

Through mindfulness practices, the nurturing of my authentic self has (finally) begun to yield some fruits. The shitty thing is that it doesn’t come with a tracking number to tell me when or how it’ll be showing up. I've been noticing when I've met new people and I offer my pre-programmed responses, I’m not being received in the ways I’ve become accustomed. My words are coherent, the gestures follow suit, but the energy (conviction) powering them isn’t there; I wind up coming off as disingenuous or just plain awkward.

I have this internal battle going on between humility (who I actually am) and ego (how I want to be perceived) and the external result is this quasi-uncomfortable, semi-awkward human. We are energy, so when we are unsettled inside, try as we might to mask it, it’ll convey in the energy behind our words and actions. True-Knowledge, Honest-intent, and Earnest-action are the ingredients to the deliberate life. If any of those are faulty, which they will be from time to time, the results will show in kind.

My egoic self just wants something familiar and my budding authentic self is revealing that none that familiarity is even real. Trying to navigate that while interacting with actual humans, in real time, is That Awkward 'Tweener Phase. Unlike the caterpillar who will only have one big change in its life (and that change happens in seclusion), we humans are, or should be, ever evolving. Other people are the only thing that makes a Tweener Phase ‘awkward’, but as interdependent beings we actually need the Awkward. Like the bubbling of peroxide on a cut, this time/feeling shows that change is either needed or happening. People don’t dictate, but they do indicate, how we’re fitting into the world we live in.

Obviously I'm writing on this because growth and self-awareness is what we do around here. But coming to this particular realization came through feelings of loneliness, unfamiliarity with myself, and depression...just some dark shit. But where I was fortunate was in my to want to double down on my belief in a bigger and better picture. The familiar comfort of stagnancy and complacency (which kills) was definitely there waiting with open arms to welcome me back into the fold of a much smoother, low-demand, and more commonly traveled road to mediocrity. Knowing that I’m in this transitional place does not make me feel less awkward. BUT, knowing what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it certainly takes a ton of the suffering out of This Awkward Tweener Phase.

Thanks For Reading

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