Experience, not Outcome
Sooooo, I try to not let myself get too overwhelmed with situations that I don’t understand. I’m a processor so I pick things apart until I reach, what I believe to be, a logical and unbiased assessment that makes sense. I’m pretty darn good at it and my stress levels stay fairly low but, I’m currently overwhelmed.
My job (not my part-time server job) was essentially a gift. Other than serving, I knew no other truly viable work to do. Given my limited skill set I was blessed when a friend offered to employ me. I started writing blogs for their company website, it was actually really fun but not consistently necessary so I needed to do other stuff. I’m probably the least handy human on earth but I’m out here doing small maintenance jobs. This job gave me stability and self-confidence, even though I sucked at it. Once it was kind of accepted that I was gonna be around for awhile they offered an idea to produce t-shirts given my affinity for apparel. They gave me everything I needed to build this company except the actual desire to do it. I wanted to do it because it felt good to say I owned something but my heart wasn’t in it and it showed in my production, so I gave it up.
Fast forward a year and half. Property maintenance is essentially what I do with blog writing on an as-needed basis. I’m comfortable in that I’m working with my friends, growing intellectually, gaining some skills, and I know where my money is coming from. That was a huge stress reliever having quit drinking while working there. Writing had became a passion as I shared my growth via social media and was able to see where I was becoming a useful tool through sharing my experience. So I come into work on a Monday in early June and we sit down to chat, as was the norm, but this time the conversation is geared towards me.
In the best analogy ever, they open with “You’ve made your booty call your girlfriend.” Meaning, this job was a temporary arrangement that I’ve made permanent. It couldn’t be more true. What I love about my friend group is that seeking growth is a requirement, in the most positive of ways. I’m reminded that living in my passion and chasing progress is my purpose; all to be of greater good (service) to the universe. I can’t accomplish that settling into getting by. “You want to write, so write! Do what you love and let the universe (God) provide.” We sit for awhile and generate ideas of ways to do this. Perfectly Imperfect was one byproduct of that.
I was guaranteed the month to ‘figure things out’ and that month has come...I’m still figuring things out. I’m avoiding full-time serving because I know the trap that serving is (although it totally fits the profile of a starving artist), but I have a couple pots on the stove awaiting some results. As this is going on I’m feeling a shift in interactive vibes. Shorter conversations, easier frustrations, kinda like when your booty call is starting to stay at the house longer than preferred; or at least that’s how it feels. So the pressure is mounting there.
Then there’s my friend. I’d easily throw her in the top 3 people of ultimate value in my life having become distant over the past 2-3 weeks. She’s my go to for all things spiritual but just a phenomenal person overall. I feel like my life is much more manageable with her in it because she’s brilliant and her source of security is the same as mine. That’s pretty much the meat of our friendship. So when help/advice is given, it is coming from a spiritual place and that’s the place we try to stay in and function from. Though we don’t talk daily when we do it’s naturally fluid, productive, and spiritually enlightening and now it sparse and closed-ended texts.
We talked yesterday at length for the first time in awhile and addressed the apparent distance. She explained I had done nothing wrong and though necessary the separation wasn’t spiteful. She was feeling spiritually vulnerable and needed strength; strength that could only be found through heightened interaction with other women. On the surface that makes sense but internally it feels like shit. On the one hand, spiritual growth is the focal point of our interaction so why the hell isn’t she coming to me?! On the other hand, why does engaging more women mean that she has to disengage with me?! She says when things are more balanced we can try to be more like what we were but now I question what we were. Obviously friends are there when things are ‘balanced’, the value of a friendship is what they do when shit hits the fan. So what good was I ever? That shit hurts.
The uncertainty with my work future and the relationships tied to that are eating me inside and then my spiritual go-to has essentially vanished and that shit just flat out fucking sucks. So work and bestie probs make for an unsettled Ben and Ben doesn’t do well with unsettled. I’m feeling lost and alone and that’s never a good place for a person with a propensity for self-destruction when incapable of dealing.
So I’m sitting in a (AA) meeting this morning and the topic is on experience as a (the) teacher. The end of the reading “...that He has a path for me.” is what I have to not ever forget. When I pray, I make the declaration of my availability for whatever the plan is for me. “Thy will, not mine be done.” I’ve been making that prayer pretty much since I got sober. I’ve been able to roll with it because I was always able to kinda understand what was going on and I never felt completely uprooted...in turn not requiring much faith. I put it out there a long time ago that I needed a purpose and path and like six months later I’m writing and have more than one platform to reach people. Yet somehow I keep looking for things to come to fruition MY way. I have to get uncomfortable to generate new shit. Comfort is only comfortable because it’s familiar and familiarity can only extend from routine. If I’m specifically asking for new, more than what I’ve known, then I have to do differently than what I already know, and that means getting uncomfortable. Whelp, I’m uncomfortable.
I’m in this position because I asked for it. I can’t grow spiritually if my God-reliance is facilitated through someone. Hell, the same stands true for her and I have to let her grow how she feels she needs. My feelings about it make sense but are 100% selfish. I want her there because I want her there and her path just may not include me right now. It’s not my place to determine that, period. Through this separation I get to rely on God directly, not through a proxy.
I never would’ve created Perfectly Imperfect if I wasn’t forced to acknowledge, accept, and pursue writing as my call. The company I work for can’t grow as they should if all the pieces aren’t core invested in building their vision. Which means I have to move on and let them move on.
Truth, it all sucks...right now. I’ll miss her and I loved my job but where growth is desired, change is required. If I only focus on the result I'll miss the intricacies that brought it about and that's where the value lies. I don’t know what will come from it all but I don’t need to...it's going to come either way. What am I'm doing today, right now to nurture growth and better equip myself for tomorrow is whats important. I’m starting to see it now and when I look back at it I’ll know that the experience was in the lesson, not the outcome.
Thanks for reading!