Sooooo, Happy Thursday guys! I don’t know what time I crashed to wake up at 1am but it happened (insert frownie emoji). Went back to sleep and woke back up at 4:11 so I guess I’ll just be awake now. Sunday (my dog) and I are sitting on the porch listening to both the rain and my rain mix on Apple Music so I figured I’d knock out this weeks Thursday Thoughts. As you all know it’s been an emotionally draining week so I thought we could take a break from the morbid as well from the introspection this week and go a little more on the lighthearted side. I figured since we’re homies and y’all know all my business anyway, I could share an uncompleted (thus un-submitted) piece I was writing for a writing competition on Vocal Media. The topic was the worst date/hookup story we’d ever had...here’s mine:
I was out one night and got far too drunk too early so I decided to just go home. This was during my Irish Exit phase so I’d just dip out and not say anything to anyone and just deal with the “Where are you? Are you okay?” texts in the morning. I’m sitting in front of a closed bar awaiting my taxi (this was well before Uber or Lyft) and this girl walks by. I remember the white short and halter-top which was pretty much clearance drunk Ben autopilot to take off and I just start hitting on her. In the very short time from her walking by and my cabs arrival I'd apparently convinced this girl to come home with me.
This was far from an uncommon occurrence on the bar scene of a college town, or my life for that matter, so this was shaping up to be a great morning story. Drunk make-outs were not a common thing for me. Too many people see tonight, how am I gonna a get a new girl tomorrow. Whelp, that was out the window and we’re going at it like two teenagers the whole way home. I knew my cab driver and I remember him looking back in the rear view sketchily. I’m thinking it was because of all the trips I’ve taken with him with other passengers I’ve never carried on this way.
We get to my house and it was like in the movies where they meet at the bar and then the scene cuts to them making out so passionately they can barely get in the key door kinda thing. We get to the room and it’s pretty much that time. I take her very short shorts and panties off and...there’s a dick! Like, a real live man penis sitting there! They say nothing sobers you up like driving tipsy and seeing cop lights...WRONG! Nothing and I mean nothing sobers you up faster than thinking you’re about to hook up with a girl and discovering she has a frikin penis!!!
I fall back and are like “You gotta get the f#*k outta my house!” He’s like “oh don’t act like you didn’t know!” I’m like “I DIDN’T!” I gave $20 for the cab and restated my 'leave my house now' and locked the door behind him.
I’ve seen him around town a few times after the fact and just to fuck with me he’s like “Hey Beeeee-yen!” The lesson should be stop taking strangers home 5 mins after meeting them. My takeaway was to ask if you’re frikin dude and then ask if you’re sure in first 5 mins.
So there’s that. If you got a decent chuckle outta that I hope you make a point to make someone else smile today!
Thanks for reading.