• Benjamin Gear

The Block was Me

Sooooo, I’m realizing that I can’t forget that I’m human. I haven’t been able to write for almost a month, well, nothing that I’ve deemed postable. I’ve written but by the end of the piece it just felt inauthentic and that’s not what I do. I fought with myself day in and day out over why it was I couldn’t break through this block. What was it? Why can’t I get around it? I’m now realizing the block was me all along.

Perfectly Imperfect is the culmination of a bunch long Facebook posts about my journey to self-realization. It’s nothing more than a different platform than social media to get my truths out. As I made post after post they began to get some traction. More people were reading them and I knew this via ‘likes’ and people approaching me to let me know that they liked the post and/or how it impacted them. I realized that I had a message, one of hope, that could be used to help people see that whomever, however, and wherever they are, they are okay.

I was most effectively able to do this by acknowledging and owning my truths that could easy be determined shameful. Exposing myself so publicly was not an overnight process. Process, the word that I have seemed to forgotten.

Learning to set aside ego and pride was a mountain I had to move. I did so through embracing humility. Humility, defined in layman’s terms is simply that no matter how successful or beaten, nice or shitty, attractive or unattractive I my feel, I am no better or worse than anyone else. Through prayer, meditation, and study, I baby-stepped my way into a life not so run by outside approval...until I got a lot of outside approval.

Though I no longer needed outside approval to feel good about myself, outside approval made me feel better about myself. Such a slippery slope validation is. In the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the 2nd Agreement is 'Don’t Take Anything Personally.' It explains how both approval and disapproval stem from one's own construct of good/bad right/wrong. How we shouldn’t allow either to affect us because we can slip into defining ourselves through outside perceptions...the opposite of authentic self.

With this knowledge, I thought I’d conquered my ego and embraced humility fully; essentially rising above the natural and perfectly normal human condition of need for approval. I hadn’t. I made a very concentrated and deliberate effort to not allow myself to think I was the cause of the positive upswing and effect of my writing. I pray before writing each piece specifically for the words to not be my own. What I didn’t know to pray for, total fulfillment in just doing to work I was called to do.

I will continue to try to grow Perfectly Imperfect but not because it’s growth is my fulfillment.

I am committed to speaking my truths and attempting spread light, love, enlightenment, and acceptance to all that I can reach. I am committed to improving what I give you all in the quality of my writing and site content. It is an honor to be able to share myself with you all. I am EVER grateful that you all are letting me into your hearts and minds and I will do my best to honor that allowance by giving you the most authentic version of myself that I can access.

Thanks for reading.

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