Where I Am
Updated: Sep 19, 2020
Sooooo it has been a really introspective week. I don’t have many answers but I’m getting more and more comfortable with not having them. Part of the problem is that because much of what I post is after the situation and sharing what I learned. When it’s time for a scheduled post, I feel like I shouldn’t share it if I haven’t worked it out. It’s another manifestation of ego to feel like ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way, this long, over this.’ This is me losing site of the core purpose of the message I’m carrying...there is no should or shouldn’t. Acknowledge, accept, process, respond. All to the best of my abilities with honest and honorable intent and then go from there. What I feel is what I feel. Attempting to not feel, hide, or postpone those feelings is a pretty dangerous seed to plant. It’s gonna bud at some point and be much more formidable than it was when I swept it under the rug...so here’s that.
I got a call from a homie I hadn’t heard from or hung out with in about 7-8 years. He wanted to kick it and catch up so of course I was down. He expressed how he’d been so engulfed in work over the past few years that he looked up and realized that he wasn’t doing anything but working. I could relate. We chatted for a few hours and then parted ways with plans to get back up to watch the NCAA Championship game next week. It was nice that a long time friend had reached out but it wasn’t necessarily him that was the feel good of the situation. What felt good was to be thought of and reached out to just because. That hasn’t happened in a disgracefully long time.
I was just about to type “I guess I’m lonely.” ←That’s how subtle pride and ego are. I am lonely. I think I tiptoed around this in Got Balance but I don’t think I fully delved into it. First and foremost let me acknowledge that most of it is of my own doing. For the 17 years of my partying I leaned on socialization unhealthily, as a distraction tactic. All the stuff I didn’t want to face and deal with (which only multiplied the longer ignored) were just chillin’ in the recesses of my mind, waiting to pop up in any quiet moment. Socialization had to become a bad/dangerous thing in my mind in order for me to learn how to be alone. In the last two years I’ve been relatively detached and that has been what has allowed me to discover the value of alone time. I’m not running from anything anymore so I’m not afraid of my thoughts.
Now that I have tools to prevent things from building to destructively high levels, I can incorporate friendships again. I want to incorporate them again. I was thinking about this and realized that while I have great friends, like the best of friends that will never let me fail, never leave me in crisis, I don’t have friendships. I have event friends, people that I am doing this particular thing with and friends that I am happily a resource for but none (actually one comes to mind) that just sends out the unprompted “What’s good?!” just for the sake of conversation texts.
Social media can be a real bitch if you’re in your head in a negative way. I was perusing social media last night and saw this group doing that and that group doing this and immediately my thoughts worsened. I look at my life when I was drinking and how full of people it was. Granted these people, though awesome, were friends for many of the wrong reasons...but they were there, through everything and nothing. It provides a whole new perspective on why all of the ‘choose your friends’ ‘the people we surround ourselves with...’ stuff can be so minimally impactful. Connection is necessary and when it’s found wanting, it brings into question ones attraction as an individual. Was my value really that much more as a partier?
After I wrote Got Balance I made a point to reach out more to try to encourage interactions that would foster growth in those relationships, all for naught. If I still had the baggage that I once carried I would be in pretty bad shape. So when I look at people who tap into that hopelessness and how they wound up submerging themselves in it, I kinda get it. Also where my little blog posts about reaching out and all the 'I’m here if you need me' can fall on deaf ears. Presumably, people don’t want pity give a fucks. Granted they should take it if the other option is remaining miserable and leading to an even darker place. But how hard is it to ask for help when it’s bad when you don’t even have someone around share the good with. That lack is likely the open space hopelessness fills in.
LOL and there are no lines to read between nor is this a plea for whatever. I’m not headed into some deep depression. This is just me writing IN the situation rather than on the other side of it.
As stated, this has been a thing for a while so I needed to figure out why this was more glaring than before. Didn’t take long at all to pinpoint that I was stressing about money. I left my server job for another job and I did so two weeks too soon. I didn’t account for the time I’d need to put in before I’d start earning money and start receiving it. Just a very thoughtless move on my part and as a person who prides myself on (now) actually thinking things through, this kind of lapse is unacceptable. So, needless to say, this week has been a brain drain kinda spilling over into the feelings realm.
I get to work this morning and the first thing said to me is “You don’t look like yourself.” Bleh, it’s now manifesting externally. I prayed for some alleviation because I am not a fan of projecting anything that isn’t light and positivity (although I’m learning to accept that I will have days where I don't feel light and positive). About an hour later I turn around and there’s a person asking about working here. Less than a minute into the interaction they let me know they were new in the area and in recovery. We talked for about 20 minutes and little did they know, they brought a ton of light to my day and allowed me to get out my head/funk. Literally 20 mins after that, another person comes in who I actually knew and we always share good words. I kinda opened up about my situation and we unpacked it some (I don’t do a ton of work at one of my jobs obviously). In short he just reminded me that I was in a process and IN the process is the least comfortable place.
I don’t lack anything I need, maybe some things I want but nothing I need. Shit kinda sucks cause I can make a pretty valid case for my wants here but all I can do is roll with it. What I do have is still pretty frikin awesome and more than many. I have to kinda exercise gratitude and not overlook what’s right in front of my face...and this is where I am right now.
Thanks for reading.