Sooooo, 3 hours and 12 mins later, I’m doing I lot better. At about 2:30pm today I aired, what I believed to be, my dirtiest laundry. “The Dreaded Kid Sitch” It’s been almost a year since my friend Elizabeth and I sat across from one another at Squid’s over crab legs and shrimp cocktail where I spoke my truth. There’s just something about Elizabeth’s spirit that completely disarms a person of representations of inauthentic-self and she communicates to your soul. The God in this woman is bonkers! She asked every single question I loathed. Readied with all my prepackaged lies, diversions, and witty retorts I just answered them, honestly. She exudes such genuine empathy you can’t fathom judgment from her and before you know it, you’re deep in a sea of emotional cathartic word vomit. Truly a spiritual experience. ...and THAT’S what it would take to get me to speak such coveted information, a spiritual experience.
I prayed and clicked post. My heart immediately sank to my feet. “What the fuck did I just do?!” I have never felt more exposed and vulnerable. My last shred of dignity was in the fact that no one knew exactly why I was a piece of shit. No one knew exactly what I’ve been smiling through or why suicide was ever an option. How much I loved those kids and the insanity behind losing them. How alcohol was so subtle in dictating my every move and decision that walking that downward spiral felt like the exact opposite almost all the time.
I don’t return to the feeling of actually how broken I was before getting sober very often. To think how far away I got from any semblance of a reasonable life is sickening.
I know none of this has any fluidity but I’m spitting it out as it comes to me and hoping it’s sharable.
I feel leaps and bounds more calm than I did even when I started this post. The texts, PM’s, and phone calls have meant a whole bunch. Fact is, I’m scared shitless of being seen for myself and then having the world hate me like I hated me. But I knew I was going to have to do this to let the burden off of my own spirit to actually be rid of the last thing keeping me from actual joy. Oh, and TRY (really freaking hard) to say "Fuck what anybody thinks."
When I started telling my truths via FB posts, my hope was to encourage authenticity and an appraisal of where each of us are. Alcohol just happened to be my tool but we all have something that keeps us reconnecting with our authentic selves. I can tell you right now, immediately, it’ll feel like shit but it gets noticeably better in a few hours ;-)
I really appreciate you guys keeping up with the insane tale that is my journey. At the end of the day, my hope is that we can all shed that last layer of bullshit keeping us from reaching our true selves. Learn to function from that version of ourselves and love all it’s flaws knowing that's what makes us all Perfectly Imperfect.